Whir Prison at GP LA - 12-3, 15th Place

Prep:

Starting in 2012 after the the first real Modern bans, I spend 8 years playing a ton of the format with approximately everything. I know the approximate contents and plans of every deck in the format.

I then don't play Modern between an RPTQ win in December and the Monday before the GP.

I decide I should check out Whir Prison first as it's the only deck I haven't tested a lot. I'm half asleep, having arrived at the Cleveland airport at 4am, landed at Newport News after DCA Airport was closed due to wind, and cabbing 3 hours home. I unpack my suitcase, load it with giant boxes of Modern, and get to work.

I 4-1 my first league, then 4-1 again. Overall I go 23-6, with my only direct prior prep being watching susurrus_mtg's Prison Mike MCQ stream. For the other people who didn't watch The Office, here's Prison Mike for reference. After the fourth League I unpack my suitcase, order the missing cards, and load exactly one Whir deck into my backpack. In my last pre-event match my opponent wins game one with Mono-Red Phoenix, casts Shatterstorm games two and three, and  I still win.

Basically all of my online opponents concede to the lock. I also manage to cast a spell into my own Chalice of the Void on accident about three times a League.

This could either be the best or worst Grand Prix ever.

Travel:

I wake up at 5am DC time. (Small woof) My dog has decided it is food time. (Bigger woo) It isn't. (Grrr woof) She settles for a 30% share of my blanket in exchange for another two hours of sleep. (Heavy sigh, chuff) As always she drives a hard bargain.

I wake up at 6:45am. My flight has been delayed five hours then undelayed. I'm glad I missed this nonsense.

I board my Boston to Burbank flight. The pilot tells us our route often has to stop in Denver to refuel. I have flashbacks to last GP LA where I also got stuck in Denver. Somehow we make it all seven hours in the air without landing. I arrive at Danny Batterman's couch, we find our way to a burger bar where they have Founder's Canadian Breakfast Stout (actual 10/10), where I get to deliver my rant about how buns actually make burgers worse regardless of your stance on bread, and where I convince Danny to cut Sigarda from his Amulet Titan sideboard but not Zacama from his maindeck.

Rounds 1 & 2: Byes

I get breakfast, cards, and scour the site for people I know. They have largely given up the Grand Prix grind. The event feels hollow, the main show feels like a crammed in after thought in a hall of side events, I wonder what purpose this event serves that an early 2000's Regional prerelease didn't, and I talk to all ten people I know on site about how there's literally no Wizards-run events targetted at people between those trying to spike local qualifiers and those getting $200,000 in annual equity in the MPL. My event report is tailored to match this hollow irrelevance.

I'm also told by a third party that Ari Zax is hunting me for an in event showdown.

I decide to meet new people and be social to avoid becoming the isolated victim of an Edgar Allen Poe plot. Even if to some people the appearance of grandeur has worn off events and tournament reports over the last two decades, you can still find it hidden in the details.

Round 3: Spirits

Game one on the play I play turn two Ensnaring Bridge. Thanks Mox Opal! My opponent doesn't find Deputy of Detention off Collected Company and concedes to Chalice of the Void for three somewhere in the middle of me assembling the full lock with Sorcerous Spyglass on Selfless Spirit and Engineered Explosives for three sunburst (X equals 4 though, gotta watch that Chalice).

Game two I resolve Torpor Orb on turn two and Ensnaring Bridge on turn three. My opponent's deck is now 60 Grass Energies, they concede when I demonstrate that my deck contains Sai, Master Thopterist.

3-0

Actual Game Wins: 0
Misery Overloads: 2
Games Lost : 0

Round 4: Jeskai Control

My opponent mulligans, I Sorcerous Spyglass. They flop their hand, I name their already on the battlefield Flooded Strand. They draw another, and by the time they get to real mana I have Crucible of Worlds and Tectonic Edge and Sorcerous Spyglass on Teferi, Hero of Dominaria. I make a small punt later on and don't Whir for Pyrite Spellbomb, which if they Cryptic Command my Teferi-Spyglass means they lose Teferi if it -3’s to clear another card.

Game two I have an absurdly good draw and just jam through some counter magic. An end of turn Whir of Invention baits a counterspell, Tezzeret, Agent of Bolas resolves, the game ends.

4-0

Actual Game Wins: 0
Refusal to Give Me The Satisfaction of Eventually Winning: 4, I technically did activate Ipnu Rivulet a couple times and have a non-lethal Tezzeret setup pending.
Games Lost : 0

Round 5: Mono-Red Phoenix

I lose a game on the draw to a quick clock. My opponent is appropriately dumpstered by Chalice of the Void and lock pieces the other games. A weird ruling occurs where they reveal the top card of their deck to only me when they bump it on a cut. No penalty, they don't shuffle, they draw the Mountain I saw and die.

This deck is not necessarily simple, but it is easy to play against decks that lose to Ensnaring Bridge and Chalice of the Void.

5-0

Actual Game Wins: 0
Taking Their Toys and Going Home: 6
Games Lost : 1

Round 6: Mono-Red Phoenix

I lose games one and three on the draws to their burn draws with an early Prowess threat. I win game two against Hazoret, the Fervent and Shrine of Burning Rage via Inventor's Fair, Spellskite, and Tezzeret, Agent of Bolas.

5-1

Actual Game Wins: 1, Tezzeret ultimate
They're Over It: 6
Games Lost : 3

Round 7: Mono-Red Phoenix

I resolve Chalice of the Void by turn two both games. My opponent performs no game actions. I set up Chalice on four game two and win by Exploding it, playing Tezzeret, and immediate re-Chalicing for four. They didn't have the Shatterstorm anyways.

Notably my opponent is 11 years old. He has only played Modern for a week. His dad asks him why he didn't concede early, and is told "Gotta make him beat me to make Day 2".

He finishes 12-3.

6-1

Actual Game Wins: 2, another Tezzeret ultimate
Broken Wills: 7
Games Lost : 3


Side plot update: Danny has won basically every match due to Zacama, except the one he sideboarded it out. I start considering I might be wrong there. Ari Zax is also 6-1, the Evil Twin showdown appears to be closing in.

Round 8: Shadow Zoo

Game one I mulligan to five and play Welding Jar, Mox Opal, land, and some other brick. They go Bloodstained Mire, Mishra's Bauble, Thoughtseize off Godless Shrine seeing my last card is a land. I tank, draw and play Engineered Explosives for two thinking they are Abzan Delirium. This is bad and wrong as they clearly have red due to Bloodstained Mire. I lose to one drops. I play Sai game two and Whir up a Spellskite to save it one turn before full locking them, then resolve Chalice of the Void game three. They don't draw Unravel the Aether and only see one Ancient Grudge, I easily win.

Other notable punts: not establishing another Chalice of the Void on 2 game three to lock future Ancient Grudges, not considering Stony Silence in sideboarding and shaving the 21st land.

7-1

Actual Game Wins: 3, Sai finally gets one
TKOs: 8
Games Lost : 4

Round 9: Humans

I die game one and three on the draw due to clunky draws versus good Humans disruptive draws. I think this matchup is actually difficult on the draw and if they have Gaddock Teeg and Kambal, Consul of Allocation like my opponent did.

7-2

Actual Game Wins: 3
Escape Ropes Used: 9
Games Lost : 6

I leave Day One barely functional due to jet lag and accumulated fatigue of six of the last seven weekends spent grinding events. I almost forget how to eat food and ponder never leaving the Eastern Time Zone again.

Round 10: Emerson T. Chair

I don't understand how I get so many free wins at events, but I won't refuse them. Tom Martell next to me looks visibly disgusted as I sign the match slip ten minutes into the round.

8-2

Dice Towers Assembled: 1

Round 11: Izzet Phoenix

My opponent has no real hate in their deck, just three Abrade. They have lost the match on turn negative one. I also have Chalice of the Void turn two both games.

9-2

Actual Game Wins: 3
Accelerated Lunch Breaks: 11
Games Lost : 6

Round 12: Golgari

This match is notably against Nam Sung Wook, who gave me my 5th loss late at the Mythic Championship the previous weekend. I resolve to revenge my loss in this much lower stakes scenario.

Game one I mulligan to five on the draw, keep a two Glimmervoid hand, get my zero drop discarded, and don't play a land turn one or two. I still have Abrupt Decay and Assassin's Trophy covered and only lose to the second Trophy, being one blue source off beating that too.

Game two Tezzeret makes a 5/5 that kills Liliana of the Veil. Then another 5/5 that kills him. I may have elected to not save an Ensnaring Bridge from Maelstrom Pulse earlier this game. “Oops”.

Game three he sticks on mana after a mulligan, I set up a lock and stick Tezzeret, which eventually ultimates for lethal.

Actual Game Wins: 5, each a different Tezzeret Mode
Tap Outs: 11
Games Lost : 7

Sideplot Interlude: Danny continues with beat people with Zacama, I am declared formally wrong there. Ari Zax is also 10-2, preparing for the highest stakes version of the showdown.

Round 13: Humans

I win the die roll and play Ensnaring Bridge and Bottled Cloister early game one. Game two I play turn one Torpor Orb, set up an Ensnaring Bridge and removal in play to cover a future relevant Meddling Mage or Gaddock Teeg, and they had had just shown up with Torpor Orb-able sideboard cards.

11-2

Actual Game Wins: 5
Tap Outs: 13
Games Lost : 7

Round 14: Izzet Phoenix

Opponent has the bare minimum hate. My hands function. His deck no longer does.

12-2

Actual Game Wins: 5
Wait Come Back I'm Not Done Yets: 15
Games Lost : 7

Ari Zax falls out of my bracket. We sign and exchange possibly the only two copies Evil Twin in the room. While not the maximum possible nonsense value we could have received, it was sure close.

Round 15: Grixis Shadow

Game one I keep a fine but slow draw and lose three Whirs/Bridges to discard. He tries to cast the third into Damping Sphere, can't, and I can either Whir up Tormod's Crypt or Explosives for one with my last spells before he takes the other. I Explosives, he has Gurmag Angler and discard.
I Stirrings into another Bridge, but can't cast it due to the Damping Sphere I played to ramp to Whir. It gets countered next turn, I die.

Game two I keep a one land great draw. I miss once, lose my Chalice and Bridge to discard, start hitting, and clear a Death's Shadow with Engineered Explosives. He plays another, I punt and play a Welding Jar instead of holding it for post-Sai, but a Kolaghan's Command, two counterspells, and Hurkyl's Recall have me dead regardless. He also has the Dismember on Sai for show.

12-3

Actual Game Wins: 5, all sideboard cards
I Agree, This Deck Is Dumb: 15
Games Lost : 9
Chalice of the Void related warnings: 0!

Tiebreakers declare me the winningest Ari. Mutual friends remain unsure which of us is the good twin, all of them consider the possibility that one is elsewhere locked away in a dungeon somewhere Hugo and Bart style.

I finish writing this report in JFK airport. My plane was supposed to go from LA to Boston. There's apparently no way for me to get from JFK to DC on Jetblue without flying north to Boston. At least I get unlucky in the least functionally inconvenient ways possible.

Quick FAQ: 

Is Whir Prison a miserable deck to play? No. It is quickly clear your opponent is dead, the actual win isn't that bad, and the sideboard cards are all easy mode.

Would I play Whir Prison again? Yes. It's really powerful in a format that is soft to Chalice of the Void and Ensnaring Bridge.

Is Whir Prison a true dominant deck? No. There's too many small card choices opponents can have that are really problematic. You aren't Lantern Control, where a single card without instant cantrips to find it can be milled. They find it eventually. If people start Hurkyl's Recall or Shatterstorm or whatevering you will have big issues.

Is Whir Prison really hard to play? Nope. Maybe a bit complicated, but not hard. Your plays are really scripted. You don't make many dynamic decisions. By virtue of there being so few cards that matter you don't care about hidden information. You are just learning a script, the literal “one easy trick to stop this deck” for each deck. Of course, this style of deterministic game play is one of the things I'm best at in Magic so your mileage may vary.

Except the Amulet Titan matchup, which crosses the complexity threshold of moving pieces to be actually hard.

How do I learn Whir Prison? Twitch.tv/susurrus_mtg. Watch replays. Take notes. Then play games. I'll also be putting up a written primer next week on Starcitygames.com with the self-derived sideboard plans I used in testing.

What about X matchup? Look at their deck. Which cards can win the game through Ensnaring Bridge or remove it or find the ones that do. Stop those. Can they stop you from stopping those. Stop that. Can they exile your graveyard. Stop that before going to actually win. Congrats, its over.

How do you manage to deal with all the travel nonsense you do and keep booking tickets? I remind myself "At least the plane isn't on fire like that one time".